March 1, 2026

It's in my core memories -I can easily say -  surely God is good without thinking.

This feeling, these words rest deep down in my gut. God is good. God is faithful. God is just.

But if I'm honest, there have been times where my soul was on the edge. Times when failure, misunderstanding were triumphant.  I ask all my real questions sarcastically. I didn't know if I could handle one more day of this -  all the mental aches and pains, the physical toll of it all and experiencing this kind of world.

 Why did I need to take you so seriously when I see those that don't - winning at life. The people that aren't kind are thriving. I watch people who use and mock god build physical empires and empires of Lies.  They have better health coverage, better retirement benefits and extra money that makes my pocket money look like the retired pennies. They sleep peacefully while I lay awake trying to count sheep while tossing and turning in anxiety. 

They hide behind the image of you -what they think is you and they still prosper. In fact, they get Pardons and Applause!

 Can I, Should I give up trying? 

I try to keep my heart clean. I examine my motives. I confess my sin. I even pray and still waking up to this world feels so so heavy.  Life is wearing me down. I ask - Is this worth it?  Are you God worth it?  

is it worth resisting bitterness? Is it worth choosing generosity when greed pays better? Is it worth living in truth while others climb by cutting corners?

I don't really have the energy to make it make sense. It's like trying to untangle a knot that only tightens the more I pull.

God right now - in all honesty- with all these thoughts I  want to walk away but I just can't. 

 I can't bear the thought of leaving this community You have built. If I let my cynicism go unchecked, I can wound people who are still holding on just like me. The quiet Saints, the steady ones,  The one whose faith is also fragile but sincere. 

 So instead of leaving I come here to this holy place.

 Now, I don't believe this place has all the answers but I have no where else to go. 

Not everything is right here when I'm here though I do feel at home.

 I mean the systems in the world that I'm mad at don't just end. There is no movie montage of everything falling into place and yet because I feel like I can belong here I can gather enough hope for the moment. 

I change my outlook. For instance, I see affluence difference.I see it's fragile, not like a flower, but like a bomb. It will not bring peace. 

I've been comparing my internal story to someone else is temporary chapter  -and and this is a important and 

God you have never let me go! In my questions, in my anger, in my torment, You hold my hand.

It feels like I'm a child learning to ride a bike as I'm leaning left and right you are still there holding me even as I try to leave you so in this place. I am continually with you 

In this place, you can guide me.

 In this place, you will receive me.

 The ground feels steady again not because life has become fair but because I remembered that you are here.

 In this heart space, in this physical space, help me see that you are here through it all. 

I can be honest, vulnerable with you, God.

 I can lay myself bare, I can name the hard things.

I can't say I will always feel this close to you but because this space is here I can go forward.

 The wicked are still out there and I know that my flesh and my heart will fail. My body will weaken. My reputation may fade. Systems will remain unjust.  My questions will not all resolve neatly, but God today and hopefully tomorrow and the next day you are the strength of my heart.

 Let me feel this fortitude of strength so that I don't have to find it in excess or in accumulated wealth or in my GPA or my social standing.

 Let me stand in your view of me, oh God.

 I belong to you and you belong to me.

 Help me find people that remind me that my goal isn't about where I work, what church I go to, or what stores I shop at. Help us be a house that you hold, and we uplight you. 

Because no matter my failings, it is good to be near you.

I can unravel in this space and be knit back together.

Here, I can rant about all the people that are wrong and still hold your hope.

God, living with you doesn't make sense sometimes. It can feel a little overwhelming -  the values that the faithful hold can seem rigid, loving others over our own interests at times and it can feel difficult to not slip into an easier way of being, a way of life that feels more comfortable.

 But in this sanctuary -quiet me- let me know you are near.

 So when I stand with you, not always winning, but just being - I feel steadied.

 The wicked may flourish for a season and I hate that.

 Injustice will outlive my explanations.

 My steadiness may waiver.

 And I'm continually with you -

 you are holding my hand 

and for today that is enough